maliciousevl

I've never been so grateful for the reality I live in and complain about every day....so I guess that's good.
I don't know how I forgot my second go enough to ever give a third a chance...
The first was fine... it was beautiful and cool even vaguely poetic The others were absolutely terrifying because I knew how far away from sanity I was and how painful it would be to be stuck there eternally... the only thing close I can compare this to is having a super asleep limb and being concerned at it taking so much time to tingle into normality.... and when I say "I've been here before" or "that these places are common ground" I literally feel that those exact notions and terrifying spots are a community place that everyone who plays too close can end up in and here I was in on like my fourth or fifth visit..i felt so bad and so guilty because I had to use your faces to pull back in to life and to know I was real and to know there was an existence that could be pleasant again... and afterwards when I was completely in the clear I felt so ashamed for pulling us back to that place again.. I felt like I was being so dramatic and hurt and that the two of you were having to suffer my insanity...  the general theme for the night was "oh fuck" and "please let this not be real" and I don't know how to explain to you what it was that was so bad except that I felt like consciousness had left me behind (literally walked away and forgotten about me) and this is how I imagine hell to be... oblivion surely has to be the realm of misunderstanding if happiness and feeling good derives from thinking well then understanding is my ecstasy so in essence this drug is the complete opposite of Ecstasy because there is nothing but confusion and vagueness and a complete lack of capacity to do anything...be anyone.....or to perceive..
I'm thinking I may need to revel in a clean living and emotional stability through my understandings of reality for a while...
I'm sorry...

Again..don't reply to this box..  

"Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."
Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man under Socialism (1881)

My body has me so down.... how can it hurt to breathe when at times it has felt so unbelievably good to take the air in. Being productive is great but being a product of hedonism and extremities it can also ruin you... yesterday I may have pushed my limits.. I did so many things. I'm reminded of a time when Andrew, Ryan and myself tried to see how many things we could fit into one day.... I think we managed a parade, a  salad buffet, ultra sounds, swimming, stone mountain and some other things but it just felt so poetic to have gotten it all into that tiny amount of time... yesterday was sort of like that... Dan and I ventured out of our comforts at around 6:something am to go take pictures of a sun who refused to show his face..instead we got into some dirt roads, silos, schools and vegetation grave yards.... it was good and I feel like we got some nice shots.... afterwards we went to Ihop to make canyon's out of a stack of multi-grain and nut pancakes and to run into my childhood neighbor's - The Kostkas.... .... Went back home to critique our fotos.... absorb a bit of Peter Pan and couch warmth before being coaxed to get the grandmother out of the house. We took her to the H. Mart which - by the way if you haven't made it out to this place you really should make an effort to get there - you will find everything your heart desires and then some..... like mango squares that are really whole mango experiences in one tiny chew... crazies. After that my grandmother and I went to Michaels for some art supplies since I randomly decided I was going to try to be a painter... while she took an entire millennium I walked over to the gas station and crushed on a hindi guy and we bragged about our hookah's.... I unfortunately bought a pack of smooth 100's before going back for grandmother.... SO..... then as soon as we get home and I'm backing into my pink ...yes...pink pajamas my cell phone rings to tell me that Chris Odom and his Harley Davison are outside and that I'm required to go help him pick out his girlfriend's birthday presents...clothes...check.... and off again ..... the bike was truly poetic... I know I just used that word somewhere above but I was completely mistaken and not doing the term any justice.... poetry is feeling like a missile on the road and smelling the cut grass as the wind inconsiderately slams directly into your eyes ... that my friends...is fucking Pablo Neruda. So he drops me off at home and I'm feeling really rather cool and fantastic when my sister calls to remind me I told her I'd help her bake cookies. Phuck me. I'm tired... We do it anyhow....(robin hood men in tights is on in the background) and so I stayed up till 1 am baking cookies and meandering into Ivan over the Teleinternet. ...and then I coughed until five and basically slept a total of 43.2 minutes.
Jesus hates me.
I'm not that tired I'm just sort of bland and tedious which yeah sure you can say "hey rach you do that bland and tedious thing quite often" but you shouldn't cause it dices feelings.... ... harsh...harsh bastards you...

"Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."
Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man under Socialism (1881)

We went to this bar called "el Muro" which means the  wall which is a play on a Pink Floyd Album... and they play old rock music and you can give them a list of the songs you want and they'll fit them in... so Gaby, Cesar, Toro, Alejandra and myself all went.... and Gaby has this thing where she just wants to fight and be pissy with Cesar.. I know that sounds simple but he can be expressing an opinion that doesn't affect anyone it's just something he feels or loves and she will persistently tell him how wrong and stupid he is and the other chick would team up with her against him..
I tended to ignore most of the conversations as they had to do with Mexican politics and there were really good songs on but when I did peep in I felt like Cesar was not in the wrong... anyhow
So after he was beaten to death by a few rounds of phonitry I wrote on a little napkin our san juste sama saying about how no one person can truly understand another but one who cares can try.... and he just paused.... turned and hugged me and asked me never to leave. *sigh* he gives real hugs and looks you in the eye...

Sometimes when I sigh it feels so good and I feel like it's an expression... like a sigh could be a word or an entire paragraph and if you listened close you could really pinpoint what is going on with that person... and I sigh a lot... when I opened this box to reply to you I sighed and I wanted somehow to just send that...
I loathed last night... I mean.... I hated being there with your friends and feeling like a deer in headlights... why is it I don't think twice about almost dying on the road but being caught as "vomit girl" makes me want to peel my skin off.

There is drama here at work today. One of the lady's here's 17 year old daughter had a heart attack a few days ago and has been in a coma ever since... the sad faces are sincere.... I haven't suggested crystal meth yet to them...

I'm glad you went back to go ice skating.... that means I didn't completely ruin your night. I feel ashamed... I feel like I keep being reckless with my body... last night for a not so brief moment I didn't know if the feeling would ever go away... I tried to force myself to be asleep.... the last sleep..the one I left you on... made things a good deal better...so here I am and 'm awake and only mildly ick.
I want to go ice skating with you guys.... regularly..does Celia play Mahjong?????.............you me Celia and Elise? You me Celia and jenn? You me jenn and Elise? You me Cesar and Derek? You me Chris and Celia? You me Chris and Cesar? Hmmm patterns of people.

I'm free Friday and grateful for the opportunity to hide in my bedroom tonight... I know you have to study... but if you like you could come down... we could study together...i mean I don't have a music tech test but.. I'm a  student of life Just a thought.

Subject: RE: Let me take you down, cuz I'm goin' to...

Convoluted.
I wish I could share my moment on the porch with you. Let me see what I can put into words. First... can I even fathom what I really want? What aside from what I want people to think that I want or to show or to be an example of what it is that I crave to be and to do... even if you've spent your entire life under one meaning it doesn't mean you can't develop a new one..
"you are only as old as the last time you changed your mind" the moment that sunk in it was glorious... I got a chill and the sun was witnessing and keeping me warm and present...
You are allowed to be sedated.. you are allowed to feel bad and be useless it's ok because you already have this myriad of you ...this voice this place this beauty that is Ivan Segovia that you've built.. you know you CAN do things so what if at this moment you don't feel the need .... who/what are you trying to prove? Just exist and do whatever miniscule thing you can do to be happy... if it's a bath if it's a scream or a random stretch... whatever.. go back to instant gratification for a little and forget to plan.. it will be ok I promise so long as you continue breathing and you are cognitive and sane (aka not dina maier) I think you'll be ok... so long as your mind is with you.
One o fthe thigns I leanred from Andrew which has often hurt me was to be productive... it helped me so much because I feel so much for myself..so much pride when I can list the things that I've done in a day... but those are things they aren't me those can be a part of me but they don't have to define me... the style defines you..
Your laying in a bed today and your purring with the kittens..but it's a very pretty room and it's a very soft and sweet cat and for some reason they belong to you right now...  not to mention the room/habitat in your mind you've constructed to rest in..which is what keeps you on the edge when you're not active.
Anyhow
Just stop
Just breathe.
Parabol.
I think it would be beautiful if we could go to castle park.