I've never been so grateful for the reality I live in and complain about every day....so I guess that's good.
I don't know how I forgot my second go enough to ever give a third a chance...
The first was fine... it was beautiful and cool even vaguely poetic The others were absolutely terrifying because I knew how far away from sanity I was and how painful it would be to be stuck there eternally... the only thing close I can compare this to is having a super asleep limb and being concerned at it taking so much time to tingle into normality.... and when I say "I've been here before" or "that these places are common ground" I literally feel that those exact notions and terrifying spots are a community place that everyone who plays too close can end up in and here I was in on like my fourth or fifth visit..i felt so bad and so guilty because I had to use your faces to pull back in to life and to know I was real and to know there was an existence that could be pleasant again... and afterwards when I was completely in the clear I felt so ashamed for pulling us back to that place again.. I felt like I was being so dramatic and hurt and that the two of you were having to suffer my insanity... the general theme for the night was "oh fuck" and "please let this not be real" and I don't know how to explain to you what it was that was so bad except that I felt like consciousness had left me behind (literally walked away and forgotten about me) and this is how I imagine hell to be... oblivion surely has to be the realm of misunderstanding if happiness and feeling good derives from thinking well then understanding is my ecstasy so in essence this drug is the complete opposite of Ecstasy because there is nothing but confusion and vagueness and a complete lack of capacity to do anything...be anyone.....or to perceive..
I'm thinking I may need to revel in a clean living and emotional stability through my understandings of reality for a while...
Again..don't reply to this box..
"Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."
Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man under Socialism (1881)
Listening to: silence